okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
