She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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