I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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