we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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