Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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