We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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