i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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