Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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