You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
