you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
