My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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