Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
