If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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