I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
