i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
