I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
