Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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