I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
