he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
