dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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