I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
