Your mouth is God's brothel.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
