I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
