Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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