she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
