i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
