my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
