You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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