the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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