All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
