I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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