i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
