my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
