so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
