And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
