How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
