i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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