And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
