Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
