my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
