Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
