thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
BRING THE BAGELS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
