First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
