idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
