Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
