Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
