I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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