The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
