I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
