I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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