I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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