So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
