so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i now understand why vodka
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
