Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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