Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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