I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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