I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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