Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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