Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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