i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
